1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
|
Ad “A magical love affair”
##########################
:date: 2018-12-16T17:05:39
:category: literature
:tags: review, harryPotter, blogComment
(my comments on “`A magical love affair`_” by charmed9292)
I have to admit reading of this story was an exercise in
frustration for me. I think the general idea of Petunia and
Severus crying over one another’s shoulder is a great. Both of
them are nicely complicated and somehow tragical persons, so they
provide great opportunity for writing a good story. Also, the
beginning of the story (Petunia waking in a bed mistaking Severus
for her teddy bear) is great and actually pretty neatly written.
However, the moment they open their mouths, the execution falls
down completely, which is sad given this is mostly a dialogue
story. I see couple of reasons for this:
1. Language. There is just no way how two teenagers under the
influence of whiskey both in the middle of mental breakdown
talk to each other in the long multi-clause compound sentences
using words like “albeit”. Get yourself a long swig of whiskey
and before writing each sentence down, pronounce it loud.
I think the only sentences you are allowed to use are
something like “You broke her heart, you bastard!” and even
that is too complicated. Runaway sentences, sentence fragments
… those are structures you should prefer, not long complex
statements you have.
I know that English is probably not your native language,
neither it is mine (hello from Prague!), but English really
doesn’t work well with complex complicated compound
constructs. Make it more simple, make it more simple, make it
more simple. KISS principle (keep it simple stupid!). Full
stop is your best friend in the world!
Language issues relate to
2. Too fast reconciliation. I just don’t believe that they would
overcome their issues so fast and easily.
| I and the public know
| What all schoolchildren learn,
| Those to whom evil is done
| Do evil in return.
-- W. H. Auden, `1. September 1939`_
Exactly because how broken and wounded they are, they are more
likely to hurt each other, to spew their prejudices over each
other, they will fight, and only after long struggle they may
forgive each other. And only through their eventual mutual
forgiveness they may find some path toward each other. You
fell in the trap of every other author: you want to have them
together so fast, you make it too easy for them. And I, as
reader, punish you by not believing you. I just cannot accept
they would pour out their hearts to each other so easily. They
are generally horribly wounded and in result rather awful and
pathetic persons. Only through forgiveness and asking for it,
they can find a way towards each other. At least for half of
what you have written so far they should misunderstand each
other, distrust each other, and they should be rather nasty to
each other. Only in the last two chapters (when they fight
about their attitude towards Lilly) they begin to be at least
slightly believable (ignoring horribly convoluted language,
see 1.) Which relates to
3. Show, don’t tell. Again, I don’t believe that so broken and
damaged teenagers would be capable of so deep introspection
and self-reflection. I don’t want them talk about how much
distrustful they are to each other, I want them to show it.
They are on the edge, or beyond the edge, of loosing their
control, they have no hope for their lives (perhaps they are
even a bit suicidal?), they cannot talk like Sigmund Freud
next to his analytical couch. Don’t bother me with their
psychological self-analysis, show me what state of mind they
are in.
I am sorry for harsh words, but reading of this story made me
really frustrated. There is so much opportunity, such great idea,
parts of the story are brilliant, and yet in the end the result
is falling far far short of what can be achieved. What Michael
Crichton wrote:
Books aren’t written - they’re rewritten. Including your own.
It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after
the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite done it.
.. _`A magical love affair`:
https://www.wattpad.com/story/138566101-a-magical-love-affair
.. _`1. September 1939`:
https://m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/september-1-1939
|
