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diff --git a/literature/ad_magical_love_affair.rst b/literature/ad_magical_love_affair.rst new file mode 100644 index 0000000..24846d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/literature/ad_magical_love_affair.rst @@ -0,0 +1,95 @@ +Ad “A magical love affair” +########################## + +:date: 2018-12-16T17:05:39 +:category: literature +:tags: review, harryPotter, blogComment + +(my comments on “`A magical love affair`_” by charmed9292) + +I have to admit reading of this story was an exercise in +frustration for me. I think the general idea of Petunia and +Severus crying over one another’s shoulder is a great. Both of +them are nicely complicated and somehow tragical persons, so they +provide great opportunity for writing a good story. Also, the +beginning of the story (Petunia waking in a bed mistaking Severus +for her teddy bear) is great and actually pretty neatly written. +However, the moment they open their mouths, the execution falls +down completely, which is sad given this is mostly a dialogue +story. I see couple of reasons for this: + +1. Language. There is just no way how two teenagers under the + influence of whiskey both in the middle of mental breakdown + talk to each other in the long multi-clause compound sentences + using words like “albeit”. Get yourself a long swig of whiskey + and before writing each sentence down, pronounce it loud. + I think the only sentences you are allowed to use are + something like “You broke her heart, you bastard!” and even + that is too complicated. Runaway sentences, sentence fragments + … those are structures you should prefer, not long complex + statements you have. + + I know that English is probably not your native language, + neither it is mine (hello from Prague!), but English really + doesn’t work well with complex complicated compound + constructs. Make it more simple, make it more simple, make it + more simple. KISS principle (keep it simple stupid!). Full + stop is your best friend in the world! + + Language issues relate to + +2. Too fast reconciliation. I just don’t believe that they would + overcome their issues so fast and easily. + + | I and the public know + | What all schoolchildren learn, + | Those to whom evil is done + | Do evil in return. + + -- W. H. Auden, `1. September 1939`_ + + Exactly because how broken and wounded they are, they are more + likely to hurt each other, to spew their prejudices over each + other, they will fight, and only after long struggle they may + forgive each other. And only through their eventual mutual + forgiveness they may find some path toward each other. You + fell in the trap of every other author: you want to have them + together so fast, you make it too easy for them. And I, as + reader, punish you by not believing you. I just cannot accept + they would pour out their hearts to each other so easily. They + are generally horribly wounded and in result rather awful and + pathetic persons. Only through forgiveness and asking for it, + they can find a way towards each other. At least for half of + what you have written so far they should misunderstand each + other, distrust each other, and they should be rather nasty to + each other. Only in the last two chapters (when they fight + about their attitude towards Lilly) they begin to be at least + slightly believable (ignoring horribly convoluted language, + see 1.) Which relates to + +3. Show, don’t tell. Again, I don’t believe that so broken and + damaged teenagers would be capable of so deep introspection + and self-reflection. I don’t want them talk about how much + distrustful they are to each other, I want them to show it. + They are on the edge, or beyond the edge, of loosing their + control, they have no hope for their lives (perhaps they are + even a bit suicidal?), they cannot talk like Sigmund Freud + next to his analytical couch. Don’t bother me with their + psychological self-analysis, show me what state of mind they + are in. + +I am sorry for harsh words, but reading of this story made me +really frustrated. There is so much opportunity, such great idea, +parts of the story are brilliant, and yet in the end the result +is falling far far short of what can be achieved. What Michael +Crichton wrote: + + Books aren’t written - they’re rewritten. Including your own. + It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after + the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite done it. + +.. _`A magical love affair`: + https://www.wattpad.com/story/138566101-a-magical-love-affair + +.. _`1. September 1939`: + https://m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/september-1-1939 |