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+Ad “A magical love affair”
+##########################
+
+:date: 2018-12-16T17:05:39
+:category: faith
+:tags: review, harryPotter, blogComment
+
+(my comments on “`A magical love affair`_” by charmed9292)
+
+I have to admit reading of this story was an exercise in 
+frustration for me. I think the general idea of Petunia and 
+Severus crying over one another’s shoulder is a great. Both of 
+them are nicely complicated and somehow tragical persons, so they 
+provide great opportunity for writing a good story. Also, the 
+beginning of the story (Petunia waking in a bad mistaking Severus 
+for her teddy bear) is great and actually pretty neatly written. 
+However, the moment they open their mouths, the execution falls 
+down completely, which is sad given this is mostly a dialogue 
+story. I see couple of reasons for this:
+
+1. Language. There is just no way how two teenagers under the 
+   influence whiskey both in the middle of mental breakdown talk 
+   to each other in the long multi-clause compound sentences using 
+   words like “albeit”. Get yourself a long swig of whiskey and 
+   before writing each sentence down, pronounce it loud. I think 
+   the only sentences you are allowed to use are something like 
+   “You broke her heart, you bastard!” and even that is too 
+   complicated. Runaway sentences, sentence fragments … those are 
+   structures you should prefer, not long complex statements you 
+   have.
+
+   I know that English is probably not your native language, 
+   neither it is mine (hello from Prague!), but English really 
+   doesn’t work well with complex complicated compound 
+   constructs. Make it more simple, make it more simple, make it 
+   more simple. KISS principle (keep it simple stupid!). Full 
+   stop is your best friend in the world!
+
+   Language issues relate to
+   
+2. Too fast reconciliation. I just don’t believe that they would 
+   overcome their issues so fast and easily.
+   
+   | I and the public know
+   | What all schoolchildren learn,
+   | Those to whom evil is done
+   | Do evil in return.
+
+   -- W. H. Auden, `1. September 1939`_
+
+   Exactly because how broken and wounded they are, they are more 
+   likely to hurt each other, to spew their prejudices over each 
+   other, they will fight, and only after long struggle they may 
+   forgive each other. And only through their eventual mutual 
+   forgiveness they may find some path toward each other. You 
+   fell in the trap of every other author: you want to have them 
+   together so fast, you make it too easy for them. And I, as 
+   reader, punish you by not believing you. I just cannot accept 
+   they would pour out their hearts to each other so easily. They 
+   are generally horribly wounded and in result rather awful and 
+   pathetic persons. Only through forgiveness and asking for it, 
+   they can find a way towards each other. At least for at least 
+   half of what you have written so far they should misunderstand 
+   each other, distrust each other, and they should be rather 
+   nasty to each other. Only in the last two chapters (when they 
+   fight about their attitude towards Lilly) they begin to be at 
+   least slightly believable (ignoring horribly convoluted 
+   language, see 1.) Which relates to
+
+3. Show, don’t tell. Again, I don’t believe that so broken and 
+   damaged teenagers would be capable of so deep introspection 
+   and self-reflection. I don’t want them talk about how much 
+   distrustful they are to each other, I want them to show it. 
+   They are on the edge, or beyond the edge, of loosing their 
+   control, they have no hope for their lives (perhaps they are 
+   even a bit suicidal?), they cannot talk like Sigmund Freud 
+   next to his analytical couch. Don’t bother me with their 
+   psychological self-analysis, show me what state of mind they 
+   are in.
+
+I am sorry for harsh words, but reading of this story made me 
+really frustrated. There is so much opportunity, such great idea, 
+parts of the story are brilliant, and yet in the end the result 
+is falling far far short of what can be achieved. What Michael 
+Crichton wrote:
+
+    Books aren’t written - they’re rewritten. Including your own. 
+    It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after 
+    the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite done it.
+
+.. _`A magical love affair`:
+    https://www.wattpad.com/story/138566101-a-magical-love-affair
+
+.. _`1. September 1939`:
+    https://m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/september-1-1939