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How Cygnus Greengrass talks too much and yet too little
#######################################################
:date: 2024-08-08T16:49:29
:category: literature
:tags: review, harryPotter, blogComment
(my reaction to the published chapter_ of “Harry Potter and the
Machiavellian Candidate” by AmericanEagle47)
It is more of it, but yes. Think about a book, which you read
as a child, and you still remember it. How did it start? Let’s
see. When I was a kid, I read Jules Werne “`Mysterious Island`_”.
How does it start?
“Are we rising again?”
“No. On the contrary.”
“Are we descending?”
“Worse than that, captain! we are falling!”
“For Heaven’s sake heave out the ballast!”
“There! the last sack is empty!”
“Does the balloon rise?”
“No!”
“I hear a noise like the dashing of waves. The sea is below the car!
It cannot be more than 500 feet from us!”
“Overboard with every weight! … everything!”
Such were the loud and startling words which resounded through the
air, above the vast watery desert of the Pacific, about four o’clock
in the evening of the 23rd of March, 1865.
Or, if you are not a friend of too much physical action, let’s
try “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen. Everybody remembers
`its beginning`_:
IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in
possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on
his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in
the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the
rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.
“My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard
that Netherfield Park is let at last?”
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.
“But it is,” returned she; “for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she
told me all about it.”
Mr. Bennet made no answer.
“Do not you want to know who has taken it?” cried his wife,
impatiently.
“You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”
And we want to be told as well, because we were made interested.
Explanations may come later, but first is to catch reader’s attention.
The second problem with your writing was: **SHOW, DON’T TELL!** We are
never explained the psychological background of Mrs Bennet, ever. In the
whole novel, there is not a paragraph which would say, that she was such
and such. We are **shown** who she is by her action. We are not told
what to think about Mr Wickham, he shows us his character by his
actions. Or perhaps some other character tells us about him.
The first chapter of your story (as it was before your current edits)
was to my read something like reading CV: a long description of
something I would like to see in reality. It was incredibly boring.
The only interesting part of that chapter were few lines close to the
beginning (also, make shorter paragraphs, long wallpapers of texts just
make me snooze on its own):
On August 6, 1991, Cygnus Greengrass came home from his job at the
Ministry of Magic, where he was a higher-up in the Treasury
Department. He was frustrated after another unsuccessful meeting. […]
Beatrix, Cygnus’s wife already could sense from his grumbling and
muttering that work had not exactly been a sterling success.
She asked him about work, and Cygnus responded, “Work was an absolute
disaster. These bureaucrats in the Ministry wouldn’t know sound
economics if it beat them upside the head!” He added, “Dolores
Umbridge literally suggested that we could increase revenue by giving
Ministry of Magic employees a raise!” Cygnus groaned as he again
thought of her. God, was she annoying; even Dolores’ voice and her
distinctive giggling was enough to drive him to drink.
And that’s probably it from the whole chapter (in the previous reading).
We humans are strange creatures who are interested in telling and
listening to stories. And stories have just two elements, which make
them interesting: plot and character development. Anything which doesn’t
help these two goals is boring. Both these two things are best carried
by action or dialogue, all descriptions are just backdrop enabling these
two. Do you see anywhere in the Verne’s story any description of the
balloon or of the sea, did he describe the weather condition? Did he
even tell us where the story actually happens (it is rather confusing
for the Verne scholars, because they were supposedly leaving from
Virginia, and now they are suddenly over the Pacific Ocean)?
That’s also about the supposed lack of JKR’s universe building. Did you
care when you were reading the books? Did you care that she had two full
moons in a month, or that the school year always started on Sunday? I
didn’t. (and yes, she probably overdid this ignoring unimportant things
too much)
Also, don’t repeat yourself! It is “show, don’t tell”, not “tell,
then tell again, then tell again, then perhaps even show, and
tell again” (this level of sarcasm is not against you, but some
fanfiction stories are completely ridiculous in this, see for
example “`Breakfast In New York`_” by Radaslab). So, you have
this paragraph:
However, one curious thing did happen. Something that had set the
financial wizards into a frenzy. The news emerged that Gringotts Bank
in Diagon Alley had suffered a break-in on July 31, a very very rare
occurrence. What was more unusual is that the attempt almost
miraculously succeeded, only for it to become clear the vault in
question was empty. This was the source of great confusion until
August 6, when it emerged that the vault had been emptied earlier
that same day by none other than Harry Potter and Rubeus Hagrid, the
Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts. Cygnus alone saw something
significant in this development, and believed there was no way it was
a coincidence. He also knew, because of the level of enchantments
placed on Gringotts vaults, that no one except some of the most
powerful wizards could have broken through. Who could have done it?
And why? And why was Harry involved?
Why? I just wanted to tell that you should rewrite that paragraph
and let somebody (e.g., Beatrix) tell him about it, only to
find out, that you actually did make her to tell Cygnus a
few paragraphs later. Just get rid of this paragraph as a
whole. What’s important is that we learn about the break-in,
nothing else. Or is there something else, then let *her* tell us,
or perhaps make a scene to show us, don’t tell us yourself.
And again, I am sorry for being harsh. I have just reread my
`draft of fanfiction about Mary Bennet`_ and found out that whole
chapter three should be thrown away and rewritten, because it
completely fails at “Show, don’t tell” rule. Michael Crichton
(author of the novel “Jurassic Park” on which the film was based)
said (alluding to an older theatre author) “Books aren’t written
- they’re rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest
things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite
done it.” We are not alone who don’t have easy life to write well.
.. _chapter:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/57974005/chapters/147585301
.. _`Mysterious Island`:
https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/1268/pg1268-images.html#link2HCH0001
.. _`its beginning`:
https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/1342/pg1342-images.html#Chapter_I
.. _`Breakfast In New York`:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5141159
.. _`draft of fanfiction about Mary Bennet`:
https://matej.ceplovi.cz/clanky/drafts/history-of-mary-bennet.html
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