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diff --git a/drafts/what-can-I-do-to-make-you-love-me.rst b/drafts/what-can-I-do-to-make-you-love-me.rst new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f96d7d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/drafts/what-can-I-do-to-make-you-love-me.rst @@ -0,0 +1,114 @@ +What Can I Do To Make You Love Me? +################################## + +:status: draft +:category: faith +:tags: relationships, love, marriage +:date: + +I cannot stop the angelic voice of Andrea Corr singing in my head her +song_ “What Can I Do”. Verses “What can I do to make you love me? // +What can I do to make you care?” got me stuck in the seemingly endless +loop. The feeling is so persistent that I started to contemplate what +I should understand my head to be telling me. Given that I have been +happily married for almost twenty years I don’t think I should take this +song too literally for myself. Also rather obvious was my first +reaction; “to make you love me”? That does sound awfully manipulative +and thus not very much as the faith-filled solution. + +.. _song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=234u2ZV8HNY + +The song is very simple with a very simple (and perhaps because of that +so beautiful) melody and similarly simple story: a lady is in love with +a man but her love is not reciprocated and so she cannot sleep in the +night and she is tormented by these questions. Her heart aches, she +feels trapped in her feelings, and she is desperately looking for an +answer. + +Many “good Christians” would consider the feelings themselves wrong or +even sinful. After all, the ideal image of the marriage is preserved for +us in Genesis 2:22: “And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the +man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.” God will bring +a woman to a man and so the right marriage is just a matter of faith and +obedience and falling in love doesn’t have any place in the heart of +a faithful Christian. Is this perhaps the right answer for the lady’s +heart? Just confess those feelings as a sin, repent, and trust the Lord! + +The wisdom of this world revealed to us in almost all movies, TV shows, +songs, and elsewhere is the exact opposite. Feelings of love are +something which most closely resembles the secular variant of the voice +of God: we have to follow them in order to achieve the true love (which +is as close as you can get to the concept of salvation in the secular +philosophy), and there is nothing which can stand against this call, +because resistance to it is the root of all evil. This secular mysticism +of following our feelings gets a bit more complicated with other +feelings. What to do with our feeling of hate, envy, or sorrow, when we +want to be “honest to our feelings” as the phrase goes? + +I remember a discussion with one young friend who was in a similar +situation as the lady in the song. He is hopelessly in love with a girl, +but she doesn’t reciprocate the love to him. What did I understand from +his talk that he obviously didn’t want to force his feelings on her (“to +make her love him”), but he was stuck with the unrequited feelings of +love in his heart and he didn’t know what to do. I felt from him +a little bit of guilt that he cannot control his emotions. + +I was thinking about a moment in my life when I was in a similar +situation. I had asked out a girl and I had understood her answer as +refusing me. I felt as my duty not to bother her anymore, but still +I was struggling in the same manner as this guy with all those feelings +for my lady I had which I could not get rid off. Actually, how we are +supposed to control our feelings? I can, and I should, control my +decisions and deeds, I should not let my feelings control my decisions, +but how to get rid of the feelings themselves? I don’t know about that. + +I prayed about this and after a long time I believe the answer was +something like: you are right, you cannot control your feelings, and you +shouldn’t. There are those moments in our lives when we are supposed to +live in the discomfort (or even pain) of unanswered questions. Feelings +are signs of the things going on deeper in our hearts and one of the +ways how to get in touch with them. We could, and we should, keep our +decisions right (so, in my case, I was sure I really shouldn’t bother +the lady of my heart with the unwelcome attention; whether I was right +in being mostly passive is another question, but that isn’t the point +now). Feelings should make us to query whether our attitudes are right; +so in my case I went once again to the place where I was able to +proclaim to the God that I want not mine but God’s will to happen (Luke +22:42). For somebody else the issue could be forgiveness or asking for +it. However, even though we may be in the right place with our hearts, +even though we may not sin with our feelings controlling our decisions, +there is still no guarantee that the pain will go away. + +Many times Bible calls true believers as “those who wait for the Lord". +Let us see for example Isaiah 40:31 (ESV): + + […] they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they + shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be + weary; they shall walk and not faint. + +This promise is not a universal promise for every believer. It is only +for those who wait for the Lord. It seems we must be willing to wait, to +suffer an amount of pain from the unresolved situation, to be able to +gain from this promise. + +Presence of painful feelings doesn’t mean that our attitudes or deeds +are sinful. There are many alternatives and we shouldn’t be too quick to +exclude anyone of them. In this case of the unrequited love, it may be +that the guy is really wrong and he just needs to wait until the Lord +heals his wounded heart, and perhaps helps him to recover trust in God +in places where he didn’t trust him before (which will probably require +some amount of repentance). However, of course, there are other +variants. Any relationship, and especially the love between man and +woman, is the work of two, and it is very much possible that the lady is +wrong in this case and the guy needs to wait for the change of her heart +(or perhaps even help her to achieve such change?). Or perhaps they need +to live through the time of purification of their hearts before they are +prepared for their love to start in purity. Or perhaps some other +circumstances need to change for their acquittance to start well. Or +… there are just so many possible situations we cannot control. And if +we are in the situation of somebody who is asked for help, there are so +many situations that we cannot give good advice for. Of course, even for +advisers it is a question of their pain of uncertainty whether the other +person finds the right answer to their questions. + +We all need to pray and wait for the Lord to come. |