On anger and forgiveness
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:date: 2019-06-16T14:49:36
:category: faith
:tags: blogComment, innerHealing
(my comments on “`the thread on reddit`_”)
.. _`the thread on reddit`:
https://www.reddit.com/r/HPfanfiction/comments/bz6hki/prompt_during_the_events_of_prisoner_of_azkaban/eqso5j8/?context=8&depth=9
I have been thinking about this thread for the last couple of
days, and I am sorry I let myself to be side-tracked into a
stupid argument about the Christianity and religion and stuff.
Right now I read “`Harry Potter and the Knight of the Radiant
Heart`_” by Raven3182 and that made me into thinking about
forgiveness and anger again (BTW, I am just in the seventh
chapter, but it looks quite good).
There is that thing about being angry. First of all, let me make
it clear, that I have no idea what your mother did to you, and
certainly I have not experienced like that personally, so I have
no way to even comprehend what you feel. Nevertheless, I know
a bit about being angry for other reasons.
One very smart lady told me once (and she without doubt read it
somewhere herself), that anger is the public show of our fear.
I am not sure whether it is true physiologically (I am not
a doctor, brain physiologist, psychiatrist, or anything of that
sort), but I found out repeatedly that it is very helpful
thinking about my anger in this way. When I get to the argument
with my wife, it is usually very interesting to think what
actually made me angry with her (and unfortunately, I am thinking
that only later, too often too much later). There may be some
justified anger, but mostly I found that there is truly some fear
underneath. I am afraid (of course, we are afraid of those who
are closest to us, because they can hurt us most), that for
example she won't get my point, she won't change her behaviour,
and she will therefore eventually hurt me (or our children; even
worse!) again. By being angry I am trying to generate enough
force to persuade her she is wrong, and I am right.
Unfortunately, after twenty-three years of marriage, I have
exhaustively tested it doesn't work, and the only change of
hearts happens when she herself is persuaded about the need of
change.
I haven’t experienced true child abuse, but I went through share
of anger in my life. I grew up in the Communist Czechoslovakia
and whenever I think how much my life (and life of my parents!)
was screwed up by Them, I go out of control how much angry I am.
How much opportunity I lost because I couldn't grow up in the
normal country, how much hurt and debilitated my parents were (my
father got his heart attack during the time when was interrogated
by the secret police on the false accusation of rape). And I may
perfectly know it is completely irrational (well, now less than
five years ago; oh well), but there is still fear they will
return again, or that I may never recover what I've lost.
Of course, my receipts on what to do with such fear are useless
to you (giving my trust in the God’s Providence, etc.), but still
I think it is better to understand our fears (and yes, as Seneca
wrote, if we didn't control our fear, it controls ourselves),
then to think there is something good about it.
Just a thought.
.. _`Harry Potter and the Knight of the Radiant Heart`:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9203082
