Ad “A magical love affair”
##########################

:date: 2018-12-16T17:05:39
:category: faith
:tags: review, HarryPotter, blogComment

(my comments on “`A magical love affair`_” by charmed9292)

I have to admit reading of this story was an exercise in 
frustration for me. I think the general idea of Petunia and 
Severus crying over one another’s shoulder is a great. Both of 
them are nicely complicated and somehow tragical persons, so they 
provide great opportunity for writing a good story. Also, the 
beginning of the story (Petunia waking in a bed mistaking Severus 
for her teddy bear) is great and actually pretty neatly written. 
However, the moment they open their mouths, the execution falls 
down completely, which is sad given this is mostly a dialogue 
story. I see couple of reasons for this:

1. Language. There is just no way how two teenagers under the 
   influence of whiskey both in the middle of mental breakdown 
   talk to each other in the long multi-clause compound sentences 
   using words like “albeit”. Get yourself a long swig of whiskey 
   and before writing each sentence down, pronounce it loud. 
   I think the only sentences you are allowed to use are 
   something like “You broke her heart, you bastard!” and even 
   that is too complicated. Runaway sentences, sentence fragments 
   … those are structures you should prefer, not long complex 
   statements you have.

   I know that English is probably not your native language, 
   neither it is mine (hello from Prague!), but English really 
   doesn’t work well with complex complicated compound 
   constructs. Make it more simple, make it more simple, make it 
   more simple. KISS principle (keep it simple stupid!). Full 
   stop is your best friend in the world!

   Language issues relate to
   
2. Too fast reconciliation. I just don’t believe that they would 
   overcome their issues so fast and easily.
   
   | I and the public know
   | What all schoolchildren learn,
   | Those to whom evil is done
   | Do evil in return.

   -- W. H. Auden, `1. September 1939`_

   Exactly because how broken and wounded they are, they are more 
   likely to hurt each other, to spew their prejudices over each 
   other, they will fight, and only after long struggle they may 
   forgive each other. And only through their eventual mutual 
   forgiveness they may find some path toward each other. You 
   fell in the trap of every other author: you want to have them 
   together so fast, you make it too easy for them. And I, as 
   reader, punish you by not believing you. I just cannot accept 
   they would pour out their hearts to each other so easily. They 
   are generally horribly wounded and in result rather awful and 
   pathetic persons. Only through forgiveness and asking for it, 
   they can find a way towards each other. At least for half of 
   what you have written so far they should misunderstand each 
   other, distrust each other, and they should be rather nasty to 
   each other. Only in the last two chapters (when they fight 
   about their attitude towards Lilly) they begin to be at least 
   slightly believable (ignoring horribly convoluted language, 
   see 1.) Which relates to

3. Show, don’t tell. Again, I don’t believe that so broken and 
   damaged teenagers would be capable of so deep introspection 
   and self-reflection. I don’t want them talk about how much 
   distrustful they are to each other, I want them to show it. 
   They are on the edge, or beyond the edge, of loosing their 
   control, they have no hope for their lives (perhaps they are 
   even a bit suicidal?), they cannot talk like Sigmund Freud 
   next to his analytical couch. Don’t bother me with their 
   psychological self-analysis, show me what state of mind they 
   are in.

I am sorry for harsh words, but reading of this story made me 
really frustrated. There is so much opportunity, such great idea, 
parts of the story are brilliant, and yet in the end the result 
is falling far far short of what can be achieved. What Michael 
Crichton wrote:

    Books aren’t written - they’re rewritten. Including your own. 
    It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after 
    the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite done it.

.. _`A magical love affair`:
    https://www.wattpad.com/story/138566101-a-magical-love-affair

.. _`1. September 1939`:
    https://m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/september-1-1939